Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it`s something much more economically debilitating – and permanent. Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What`s more, two of them are from New York! The decline has begun. Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed. But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan. If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it`s the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard. Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked. “Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. verri faast!!” Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. “Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good!, very faast” The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap`s proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it. “Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!” It was not long after reaching the designated hotel, the cab halted in front of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed. “That will be US$239.40, sir!” “Nan desu-ka! What?”, the Jap was astonished. “The airport verrinear to hotel. “Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and `very faast`.

A: ONE HAS SCALES AND WHISKERS AND THE OTHER ONE IS A FISH

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three 3. You call your son`s beeper to let him know it`s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What`s for dinner?” 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven`t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn`t have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 24. You`re reading this. 25. Even worse; you`re going to forward it to someone else.

His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain`t he-a Peach?” Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy`s mother, the second boy`s mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, “Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain`t he-a wonderful?” The third boy, hadn`t done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered… running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn`t stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain`t he-a the shits?”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I`m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What`s a `man`, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he`ll give you a hard time. But, he`ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He`ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Yeah, well. He`s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.” “What`s that, Lord?” “You`ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the American responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.” When the Italian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. “Only once?” the American arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don`t stop.”

I can`t-a stop-a eating it.” Poppa says, “You should-a take-a smaller bites!” Then Poppa says to his middle son, “Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?” Michael says, “Poppa, it`s-a Mama`s lasagna. I can`t-a stop-a eating it, it`s-a so good.” Poppa says, “You should-a also take-a smaller bites.” Then Poppa says to his youngest son, “Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?” Fredo says, “It`s-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy.” Poppa says, “Pussy? Pussy, that`s-a taste like shit!” Fredo says, “Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!!

“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: “Are you not worried? Concerned? Afraid of this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said…”let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.”

Now all you`re gettin` is coal, You friggin` moron!” Den pointin` a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin`, Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin` Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, “Merry Friggin` Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!”